Last month a woman in my community went missing. The night she disappeared a neighbor saw the woman and her husband arguing in the driveaway. News reports share that to the witness it looked like the husband was trying to restrain his wife. Later the neighbor heard screams coming from the woods across the street from their houses.
The next afternoon the woman was reported missing. I’m grateful the neighbor came forward when they did, as what they observed probably aided the police as they started the search. But as I read the news stories that tried to piece together what happened that evening, I kept wondering why the neighbor hadn’t called the police when they saw the argument or heard the screams.
In hindsight, it’s easier to ask that question. I’ve tried to put myself in the place of the neighbor. I’m sure doubts crossed their mind such as:
I feel awkward interrupting.
Is it as bad as it seems?
What if the husband turns his anger on me?
I live next door, what if this changes our relationship or they retaliate against me?
The questions, “Why don’t we try to help” and “Why don’t we call the police” ate at me. I called a retired police officer, who connected me with Capt. Michelle Ramos, to find out what would happen if someone called the police.
First, she told me that any call could be anonymous. The caller is never required to leave their name or number.
Next, she said it’s always better to call, even if it turns out not to be a harmful or abusive relationship. In that case, a few questions are asked, and the police leave. Often, even in a harmful situation, the person being abused is scared to ask for help or file charges. But the call still helps. Capt. Ramos explained in those situations, often the abuser knows they're being watched, and they back off the abuse, at least for a while. She said the police would always rather get the call and check on the parties involved.
Capt. Ramos also shared a common reason people don’t report something they observe is because they believe it’s a family situation and don’t feel comfortable getting involved. She went on to explain it’s unlikely the victim will call to report the abuse. (Studies show only about 30% of victims/survivors ever talk about the abuse). It’s important for observers to step up and try to help.
The person we help may not be someone we know. Several years ago, I called the police when a situation didn’t look or feel right. I’d just learned about sex trafficking. I noticed four people together that fit some of the characteristics. I was unsure about calling the police, but when I did, they responded, “Everything is everywhere.” Within a minute, mall security was on site, and a few minutes later, the police arrived. They took the call seriously and responded earnestly. That reassured me that I should call when I saw something that didn’t look or feel right. Over the years, I've called three more times. What I saw may have been nothing. I wondered if I was misinterpreting something. But what if I wasn’t? What if someone was in a harmful situation and I didn’t try to help? That nagging feeling is what prompts me to make the call.
When I was in an abusive relationship in high school, a teacher stood up. I went to a large high school and my classes were in different buildings. Between class, Brock and I got into an argument. The bell rang for class to start, but Brock and I were still outside the building arguing. Well, he was yelling, and I was crying and trying to explain whatever he was upset with me about. We were so loud that a teacher inside the building heard us and came outside. I desperately wanted her to help but didn’t know how to ask, especially in front of Brock. She asked us a few questions, got our names, and told us to get to class.
Years later, I found out from what she observed she believed that I was in an abusive relationship and sent my parents a letter. They tried to help me many times, but there weren’t many resources back then, and they didn’t know what to do.
When I started dating Brock, I had never heard of dating abuse. I had never heard the terms “warning signs” or “red flags.” I wonder what I would have done if the teacher had tried to talk with me later. Or if later, I was called to the counselor’s office and given a sheet with warning signs. Or, if they’d found a teacher I had a good rapport with to ask me if I was okay. I was buried so deep in shame and guilt, I may not have opened up. But I wonder if I knew someone cared about me, if it would have made a difference. What if that small act helped me get out sooner.
We can’t let our own doubts hold us back from helping others. For ways to help, please see this blog and stay tuned for next week’s blog about building a safety plan.
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