Understanding and Breaking Trauma Bonds

Earlier, I shared that I was grateful for a terrible incident while dating Brock because it helped me see the abuse for what it was. Until that point, I believed what he told me, that if I hadn’t done X, he wouldn’t have gotten upset and reacted.

After I was out of that relationship, I always thought of it as dating Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Often, Brock was a nice boyfriend, and I enjoyed our time together, whether it was going off campus for lunch, watching movies, or just hanging out.

But then something would happen. I’d talk to the wrong person, wear the wrong thing, etc, and it felt like hell had been unleashed. He’d yell at me until I was crying, sometimes he’d punch me, twice he threatened to kill me.

And then it was over. He’d apologize, pull me into his lap, and tell me how much he loved me, and that he was just afraid of losing me*. I was relieved it was over and that my boyfriend was back. I lived in each moment, with blinders on. When it was good, I put the bad behind me. I never stopped to think about the relationship as a whole. Instead, I breathed a sigh of relief and stayed in the relationship.

Years later, I learned I was in a Trauma Bond, a cycle of trauma and positive reinforcement that confuses the victim and makes them feel dependent on the abuser. An emotional attachment forms, making it hard to leave the abuser.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline describes trauma bonds:

Given that we are hard-wired from birth to turn to an attachment figure when threatened, we naturally turn to our romantic partners when abuse occurs, even if they are the ones who are being abusive to us. This leads to us feeling bonded to them. We also have a tendency to try to make sense of our experiences, and so we work hard to rationalize the dissonance between our abusive partner’s caring and harmful actions. This rationalization strengthens the bond further. On top of all that, abusive partners often promise change and actively tend to the wounds they create, precisely at those moments when we feel most vulnerable and hurt. It is no wonder that we feel strongly connected to them and have a hard time imagining life without them.

As I learned about this, two examples came to mind.

When I was dating Brock, we were lifting weights in his backyard one day, and he started to tell me his dog was half-wolf and could attack. He continued making several statements until I was petrified and almost immobile with fear. Then he changed and started reassuring me the dog wouldn’t attack, and I was fine. In my mind, it felt like Brock was protecting me. He restored my sense of well-being and helped me calm down. It wasn’t until years later that I recognized he was the one who created my fear, but at the moment, I saw him as my protector. I depended on him for my safety when he was the one hurting me.

The second example occurred many years later, when I was dating a harmful person as an adult. He was sexually coercive, and the relentless pressure created a lot of stress. The day after one particularly stressful date, we were talking on the phone, and I was upset. He dropped everything to come see me and talk in person. He conveyed how important I was to him and that he would never do anything to hurt me. At the time, it did feel like I was important to him. I was impressed that he would put everything else aside to come talk to me. It wasn’t until I had time to myself that I saw he had caused the situation that was so stressful to me, and then made it feel like he was there for me in a big way.

Below are the Phases of Trauma Bonds:

• Honeymoon/Good/Normal – This can include healthy relationship traits, words of affirmation, acts of service, or just spending normal time together. It can also be heightened to love-bombing.

• Manipulation/Control begins – This is often subtle. It could be remarks that make you feel off-balance, and you may begin to question or doubt yourself.

• Tension – The abuse peaks. In a verbally or emotionally harmful relationship, this could include yelling, intimidation, ridicule, or threatening behavior. In a physically abusive relationship, pushing, hitting, punching, kicking, or biting are used.

• Reconciliation – The abuser apologizes for their actions. Or say they don’t want to lose the other person, they can’t imagine their life without them, or other statements that make the victim feel needed or wanted.  

After each reconciliation, the relationship returns to the normal/good/honeymoon phase. The length of time spent in each phase will vary depending on the relationship and the incidents that arise. Unfortunately, the cycle repeats. Often for years.

I wasn’t happy during the time I dated Brock. But I didn’t realize it was the relationship, the abuse, that made me unhappy. I was depressed and didn’t know it. I recently told a group it was like living in a tunnel, and I couldn’t see the light at the end of it. I didn’t know I needed to find a way out, much less know how to get out.

So, I’m grateful for the incident that helped me see the abuse in a different light. Thankfully, that incident started to break the trauma bond and helped me decide to leave the relationship.

Someone in a harmful relationship doesn’t have to endure another traumatic moment or event to see they need out of the relationship.

Below are a few examples of other ways to break the trauma bond.

• Learn the warning signs of harmful relationships

• Listen to podcasts about healthy and harmful relationships

• Follow social media groups about harmful relationships

• Learn to recognize tactics (gaslighting, criticism, guilt trips, blame)

• Evaluate the relationship

• Gauge how you feel

• Journal

• Focus on the whole relationship, not just the good times or the “what ifs”

If you think you’re in a harmful relationship, it may be challenging to decide if you should leave it. Things in the relationship may feel off and you’re not sure why. Your self-esteem has likely been lowered.

• Remember YOU are valuable and loved by your friends and family.

• Think of something good about yourself or something you’ve done well in the past.

• Practice self-care – get enough rest, exercise, wash your face and brush your teeth.

• Share how you feel and details of the relationship with a trusted friend or counselor

If you think you know someone in a harmful relationship, it takes time to decide to leave the relationship. Their partner has been a big part of their life. Discerning the relationship and then deciding to leave is a significant decision that often requires time.

You can support them by:

• Doing small things to show them you care about them.

• Reminding them of something good about themself. (They’re likely full of self-doubt, and the abuser probably puts them down. Remembering something good about themselves is helpful)

• Being a safe person they can express their thoughts and opinions. Their thoughts, opinions, and values are likely dismissed in the relationship. Letting them express their opinions or feelings and being receptive or supportive will help rebuild their self-esteem.

• Invite them to do something healthy together –  a walk, yoga, make a healthy meal, etc.

Leaving and recovering from a harmful relationship may take time, but it’s possible.

Through prayer and reading the Bible to understand God’s love for me, I found healing. The verses below remind me of where I was and how God helped me.

I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire;

he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the LORD and put their trust in him.

Psalm 40:1-3

* Note: Jealousy can be misunderstood as a sign of caring, but it’s not a component of healthy relationships.