Tuning Into Ourselves

Over the past few years, I’ve experienced two seasons where I didn’t recognize how stressful circumstances had become until I was anxious and second-guessing myself.

 Last week, I shared that while dating Russ, things felt off, but it wasn’t until I stepped back from the relationship that I realized how I was feeling. While we were dating, he consumed my time. A text in the morning, then a text or call around noon. After we’d been dating a few months, if we didn’t have plans after work, he called me as soon as the workday ended and then again before bed. Often, to extend our date, we talked on the phone while the other person drove home. Then, exhausted, I’d fall asleep.

For a long time, I’ve had the habit of stretching before I go to bed, without any devices on. It helps me wind down and process the day. I’ve come to appreciate this time and the things I’ve been able to think through. The second week we were dating, Smith started calling as I was settling down to stretch.

At first, it was flattering, but as this new routine continued, it took away from my time to unwind.

Later, I realized, without any time to myself, I didn’t have time to think, time to ponder. Instead, I was busy with work, Smith, and rushing to get things done. It was only once I stepped back and took some time for myself that I began to comprehend what felt off and discern that it wasn’t the relationship for me. If I’d stayed true to this time earlier in our relationship, I think I would have been aware of how I was feeling sooner.

A series of recent stressful events had overwhelmed me. During this time, I was tired and skipped habits that helped me feel better (such as writing down a few thoughts about my day or watching something funny on TV while I stretched, instead of unwinding in quiet). I wasn’t taking any time to truly decompress. I was letting the situation consume me.

In the book Rest and War, Ben Stuart has a section of a chapter titled, Be a Student of Yourself. Stuart is discussing how to resist temptation. He says we must be curious about ourselves and that “awareness is the first step in effective action”. I believe this is important at all times and can be particularly helpful during stressful periods.

In one of the episodes of the Feel Better Live More podcast, Dr. Rangan Chatterjee suggested questions to ask yourself each morning and night. After reaching a heightened state of stress, I decided that asking myself questions to check how I'm feeling can help me tune into myself and, if needed, take steps to work through anything that is off. Questions I've found helpful are, Do I feel relaxed and calm? Am I irritable or grouchy? Is anything bothering me? It can also be helpful to pay attention to how our bodies feel physically. If I'm tense, that can be a cue to pay attention to myself before stress, anxiety, or depression increases.

Tuning into myself hasn’t been something that comes naturally to me. We live in a busy society, and at times, it has felt odd to slow down or do something without a device on. But the more I take time for breaks, listen to my body, and ask myself reflective questions, the more I learn and can reinforce positive habits and, when needed, find beneficial ways to adjust.

I wish I'd been aware of these things earlier. I'm grateful I've learned them now and can use them going forward. I hope they're helpful for you too. Wishing you quiet times for reflection and finding peace.