Getting Ghosted

Over the years, I’ve sporadically tried dating apps. If I get a match and a conversation starts, it’s often short-lived and feels like a one-sided conversation. By one-sided, I mean I ask about the other person, and they only talk about themselves. It rarely turns into a conversation or moves past a few messages on the app.

Recently, I gave it another shot and was pleasantly surprised when, after matching with a man, we messaged, and it turned into a conversation. After we messaged for a while, I commented to him that it was the best conversation I’d had on the site. We moved from messaging to talking—and talked for over an hour.

I was pleasantly surprised when he texted the next evening. The following night, we talked. When we got on the phone, I expressed I was tired and couldn't talk long. We ended up talking for two hours. He asked about meeting in person soon. We both had busy schedules and never landed on a day. When we hung up, he expressed he was reluctant to do so because he was enjoying the conversation. I had enjoyed it too, but I was tired and needed to get to bed. So, we hung up for the evening.

I stayed up talking with him too late that night and was tired the next day. I’ve had a lot going on this month, and felt like he hadn’t been respectful of my need for a good night’s rest. I questioned if this was someone who could be a potential fit for me, and knew I needed to work this out when we talked again.

And then…nothing.

After three days of not hearing from him, and noticing we were no longer matched in the dating app, I concluded that I’d been ghosted.

It was disappointing. Even though it had only been two conversations, I had enjoyed talking with him. But some of the things we’d talked about made me doubt compatibility, and I was thinking about what I wanted to learn about him and the boundaries I needed to set to take care of myself. I was doubting if this was something I wanted to pursue, but it hurt to have it stop abruptly.

I wondered, “Why couldn’t he have just said something?” Yes, it still makes an impact to know someone doesn’t want to continue talking, but isn’t it kinder than just disappearing?

This man had graduated from a school that exemplifies leadership. He’d been an officer in the military. He spends time with his children. Admirable qualities. And yet, where was his integrity?

I wanted to call and ask, saying, “Hey, we had a great conversation where you didn’t want to get off the phone with me, and then you just disappeared. What happened?” I know that’s not the right thing to do. It’s like begging and makes me feel weak. And yet, I want an explanation.

This man disappeared and doesn’t deserve my time or attention. I know people who can shrug that off and move on. I wish I could. I know I will eventually. In the meantime, I stew while a list of questions runs through my head. I wish I were someone who felt indignant and moved on. I wonder what is wrong with me that I don’t have that reaction. I wish this person’s insensitivity didn’t bother me so much.

I asked myself, "Why does it bother me so much when I’ve only talked with him briefly and don’t really know him?" I reminded myself that I had doubts, and I’m lucky to have gotten out so early if this is his character.

I called a friend and shared what happened and how I was feeling. She reminded me that it’s natural to feel this way, that I’m trying to reconcile something nice that was said with an insensitive action. Having someone I trust express that they understood my feelings helped me feel better.

As I continued to process the hurt and disappointment in how this person treated me, I realized I’m also frustrated in the journey. I’m tired of being hurt and disappointed. I want to share my life with the right someone – a man who is kind, respectful, and considerate. I wonder if there are any good men left. I know that’s not true—that there are good men. I have friends who are married to good men. But there are also a lot of frogs out there. And I’m tired of meeting them.

I realized I haven’t had a positive experience with a dating app—just a lot of wasted time and energy, and feeling disappointed. I want to hang on to hope, I want to believe there is a man out there for me. But I don’t think I will find him on a dating app (a friend has even told me this). I’d rather spend my time and energy on things I enjoy. So, I closed my profile and removed the dating app from my phone. I decided to concentrate on spending time with friends and doing the activities I enjoy. I chose me and it feels good.