The Breakup and up to Two Years after are the most dangerous time in a relationship - even if it hasn't been physically abusive.
Warning: Please do not do as I did. Please read for info and helpful tips.
When I broke up with my high school boyfriend, Brock, I just wanted out. Until this point, I had never thought about leaving him. I had just come to accept the abuse as part of our relationship. Over the course of our relationship, he taught me that it was my fault. If I hadn’t done X, he wouldn’t have reacted. I tried to do better.
Then, an incident occurred, and I finally realized he had a choice. He didn’t have to respond by yelling, threatening, or hitting me. I started to see that I had a choice, too, and decided to leave.
When I broke up with him, I stood up for myself in a way I hadn’t before. I was bold. The chain was broken.
Brock contacted me for almost two years after our relationship ended. Many times, he threatened to tell others bad things about me. After six months, he contacted me less frequently. Instead of being relieved, I was worried he was going to just show up. I felt like I needed to check over my shoulder. Eventually, he stopped contacting me.
While doing research for the book It Doesn’t Start with a Punch: My Journey through an Abusive Teen Dating Relationship, I learned that the breakup and up to two years after are the most dangerous times in a harmful relationship.
Abusive relationships are built on control. One person uses controlling behaviors to manipulate the other person. Licensed professional counselor Celeste Inman explains, “When the victim tries to leave the relationship, the abuser experiences a loss of control and works to regain control. Often this is in the form of heightened abuse”.
The relationship doesn’t have to be physically abusive for it to become dangerous after it’s over. Emotionally and verbally abusive relationships can turn violent when they end. But recently, there have been accounts in the news of someone ending a relationship and then it turns violent, even in relationships where friends weren't aware of anything harmful in the relationship, such as with Kelsey Annese.
It’s known as post-separation abuse. Even a relationship that seemed healthy, but one partner wasn’t interested in the other, can result in continued contact, threats, stalking, and violence, including lethal violence. That person is going through a lot of complicated feelings after a relationship ends, and they may be resistant to moving on or resort to violence.
I’m not trying to scare or alarm anyone, and I recognize relationships can end, both people accept it’s over, heal and move on. But it is important to be aware so you can take steps to keep yourself safe.
Take time to think about how you’d respond to a threat or keep yourself safe. Some of these things may feel obvious when you think about them, but The Women’s Advocates explains, “In moments of crisis, it can be hard to think clearly or make logical decisions about your safety.”
Suggestions for Protecting Your Safety
Turn all your social media settings to private.
Block your ex on social media.
Change your locks if needed
Decide who your safe people are: friends, family, co-workers, peers, teachers, pastors, youth directors, school counselors, etc. They should be people you trust and feel safe with and confide in. Then, let them know of any concerns and share your location with at least one of your safe people.
Install an exterior door or home camera(s) to see who approaches your home, dorm, etc. Keep it charged and turn on your notifications to alert you of any activity.
If your ex reaches out and wants to meet, it’s best to decline. If you feel you need to meet, do so in a public place and tell someone in your safety group you’re meeting with them.
If you see your ex waiting for you at your home, school, work, store, etc. don’t approach them. If you’re still in your car, keep driving and call someone in your safety group.
If your ex approaches you, keep enough distance that they can’t quickly grab or hurt you.
If needed, get a protective order (and keep a copy with you).
Where possible, change your routines—drive a different way to school or work, park in a different parking lot area, walk your dog at new times, change your work schedule, etc.
If your ex leaves you gifts or sends you cards, do not respond. They’re just trying to re-engage you.
Decide where you would go in an emergency—from your house, while you’re at school or work, while exercising or doing another activity, etc.
Think about potential escape routes if your ex approached and you needed to get away.
Notify your school counselor or employer/Human Resources that your ex may become abusive. Then, they can be ready to assist you and call security if needed.
Find out where the police substations closest to your home, work, school, etc. are and how to get there without a GPS. They have officers who are trained to help with harmful relationships.
If you’re reaching out to a mutual friend and don’t want them to share your number with your ex, block your number when calling or texting so the recipient can’t see it.
When calling someone, dial *67, before the other person’s number, and they won’t be able to see yours.
If texting from an iPhone, from your Settings, turn off ‘Show my Caller ID
If texting from an Android phone, in your Settings, go to Caller ID, then Hide Number
The suggestions above are just a few ideas. For more information, The MyPlan app to help you with safety decisions if you, or someone you care about, may be experiencing abuse in an intimate relationship.
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