
A few years ago, I tried online dating. I met a man, Russ, who mentioned church in his profile, and as we messaged online, he asked me where I went to church. I was pleased that we had this value in common.
On our first date, Russ asked if I wanted to pray before we ate. I was glad he suggested the prayer but disappointed he didn’t offer to be the one to pray. I shrugged it off, said yes, he took my hands, and I said a prayer.
My faith in Jesus Christ as my Savior is a big part of who I am, and I wanted to date someone who felt the same. So, on our second date, I asked Russ about his faith. He told me he didn’t think the Bible was literal. I was a little surprised but also knew it to be true in a way. For example, in Romans 12:20, Paul tells the people:
If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.
When I first read this passage, I didn’t understand it. Then, in church one week, I learned that at the time this was written, people kept a fire going at all times for cooking and for warmth. If a fire went out, they usually went to a neighbor to get some burning coals to restart their fire. The one with a fire was to give the other person a heaping amount of coals so that they would still be burning when they got home. And they carried the coals in a container on top of their head. Paul was telling the people one more way to care for their enemies.
So when my date said the Bible wasn’t literal, I had an idea of what he might mean. I love the Bible. I’ve read it all, and many parts multiple times. It teaches me about God, His love for us, and who I am as a child of God. It speaks truth into my life, so I asked Russ to explain what he meant. I don’t remember what he said, but I remember feeling doubt and making a mental note to learn more.
Fast-forward a few weeks. We’d started going to his church together on Saturday evenings, then out to dinner with friends, and I still went to my church on Sundays. I was further in my faith walk, but Russ was committed to being in church and interested in learning more, so I was hopeful.
But Russ also wanted us to have a sexual relationship, and I wanted to wait until marriage. One Saturday, we’d been at his house for the afternoon before church, and he’d tried to push for sex. I said no, and told him God designed physical intimacy to be between a husband and wife. He questioned and told me that wasn’t really in the Bible. But as we arrived at church later, he commented, “I hope the sermon isn’t about waiting for marriage to have sex.” As he said it, he smiled and squeezed my hand. We were walking into church, so there wasn’t time to ask him about it.
I was confused and asked him about it later. Russ said he’d heard sermons before about waiting. I was conflicted. How could he tell me “the Bible doesn’t say” and then worry about the message in the sermon?
Eventually, I gave in to the pressure but wasn’t happy about it. We continued to struggle. He gave me a card on which he wrote, “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” He was trying to tell me that if we loved each other, this sin would be covered. But he missed the point; I didn’t want to choose to sin.
What he wrote is from 1 Peter 4:8. The verses around it are:
The end of all things is near. Therefore be alert and of sober mind so that you may pray. Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.
The verse starts with “Above all,” which means hold fast to love—a love that puts the other person first, not for their desires but to love another with a servant’s heart.
Our love for one another does not cover sin. God judges sin, and we’re redeemed through the blood of Jesus Christ. It’s Jesus and God’s love for us that covers sin.
I told him I couldn’t continue an intimate relationship. He agreed but still pressured me. It continued to be a struggle in our relationship, and I eventually broke up with him because of it.
But I missed him, missed doing things with him, and the companionship, so we started talking again.
During the relationship, he had hurt me. As we talked, he tried to use guilt trips and blame to shift the conversation away from him. He was never accountable and didn't apologize. I believed there had to be honest communication for our relationship to rebuild and grow. Although he didn’t apologize, I forgave him, but believed we had to have restitution to get back together. When I tried to express this to him, he would tell me the Bible says to forgive and that I wasn’t treating him the way the Bible tells us to. I questioned myself.
Another time, Russ was telling me we should just forget the past and move forward together. For emphasis, he told me the Bible says, “Be happy!”. I searched and Googled but couldn’t find a verse that says that. Philippians 4:4 is close but has more: Rejoice in the Lord!
I don’t remember all his rebuttals, but several times, he found verses to quote about forgiveness and would tell me I wasn’t following it. I wondered if I was the one who had it wrong and felt shame. But I also felt like he was using the Bible against me. I was conflicted.
After experiencing this several times, I wondered if this was Spiritual abuse and Googled it. I found several websites and articles that talked about it.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline defines it in a relationship as (emphasis added):
ridicules or insults the other person’s religious or spiritual beliefs
prevents the other partner from practicing their religious or spiritual beliefs
uses their partner’s religious or spiritual beliefs to manipulate or shame them
forces the children to be raised in a faith that the other partner has not agreed to
uses religious texts or beliefs to minimize or rationalize abusive behaviors (such as physical, financial, emotional or sexual abuse/marital rape)
The self-doubt was hard. After learning about Spiritual abuse, I felt better knowing I wasn’t wrong. He had been twisting the Bible to use it against me. I felt a lot of complicated feelings and doubts. I was still torn. I remembered the good times we shared and thought I missed him. But I also knew he wasn’t good for me in several ways. It was hard to break free, but thankfully, eventually, I was able to.
Thank you to Rev. Nancy Sherman for helping me understand 1 Peter 4:8.
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