
In a recent conversation, I told someone about who I was in high school before I started dating Brock.
I had a great group of friends.
I was in National Honor Society
Played tennis on the school JV team
Member of the Student Council
Took horseback riding lessons
Involved in my church’s youth group
Member of the local Explorer Club
As I listed everything I was involved in, she commented, “Oh! You had it going on. You knew where you were headed”.
It caught me by surprise. I’d never thought of it that way. I remember the insecurities. I was involved in things, but I didn’t have a plan. I didn’t know where I was headed. I think some teens are engaged in activities and have a plan. But I know there are others that don’t. Involvement in our school, church, or community is known as “protective factors”; meaning that they protect youth from risky behaviors. But that’s not always the way they work.
I loved being with my friends, but we went to a large school and didn’t always cross paths as we moved from class to class. This was way before cell phones, so if we didn’t have a class together or pass each other in between classes, we could go for hours without communicating. As I heard other groups of friends laughing between classes, I often felt isolated.
National Honor Society - My parents expected me to get good grades, and I worked to achieve them, but I wasn’t always interested in school.
We were all required to have a PE credit to graduate. I enjoyed playing tennis, but I chose it as a way to get out of gym class and shower/change with 30 other girls between classes. I practiced and longed to make the varsity team but didn’t have the same level of skill. The varsity team seemed to be confident and self-assured. They joked around together. They were nice to me and included me in conversations, but I lacked self-assurance.
I joined the student council because my best friend wanted me to, and as representatives, we didn’t have to give a speech to be elected. Other than selling popcorn, I don’t remember our activities, but the sponsor’s room became a safe haven for me when I started dating Brock. I could have lunch in her room instead of the cafeteria, making it easier to avoid getting in trouble with Brock for talking to others.
I loved being at church but was often confused, and something was missing. At the church near my dad’s last assignment (we moved for the military) our youth directors were a married couple. I think one was a minister. They intentionally taught us about God and helped develop my faith. At our new church, the youth group was led by a volunteer. She wasn’t as intentional. It was more about having a chaperone than learning. And there was a couple who were always making out in the corner. I didn’t understand why she didn’t stop them. I had fun being with my friends at youth group, but it was also confusing, and I missed the intentionality of the last group I was in.
I liked the Explorer Club. I’d say this is the one thing where I intentionally sought out something I was interested in and invited others. When we lived in Arizona, my family regularly went camping in northern Arizona. I loved being outside, camping, and hiking, and this group allowed me the opportunity to do so with friends. I loved the meetings and activities.
Part of all this was trying new things and figuring out who I was and what I was interested in. But I point out how I felt in several of them because even when youth are involved in protective factors, they can still be susceptible to low self-esteem and risky behaviors.
I volunteered with groups of students in 5th—12th grade for several years. Teachers often commented to me that the kids who were doing the best in school had difficult home lives. When we’re in the middle of difficult circumstances, we need to feel in control of something. For teens, often, the only thing they can control is how they do in school, sports, or a club.
Just because a teen seems to be doing well and is involved in “protective factors”, doesn’t mean they’re protected. Just being a youth comes with insecurities and doubts.
We can help them build self-esteem by:
Giving them a safe space to express their opinions
Compliment them for a job well done
Help them build their self-confidence
Try new and challenging things
Encourage opportunities to discover what they like doing or are good at
Help them learn to say no
Look people in the eyes when talking
Discuss messages in movies, etc.
Sit or stand up tall
Talking with them about their friendships.
Discuss healthy traits, respectful friendships
Discuss how to recognize if a friendship isn’t healthy and how to walk away
Share info about healthy and unhealthy traits
Just being a youth comes with so many insecurities and doubts. Intentional involvement in your teen's life and building an avenue for active listening to understand their struggles gives them firsthand knowledge of what a healthy relationship is all about.
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