On my running route, I pass a house that has been in the process of being renovated.
Recently the renovations on the house were completed. To me, it’s beautiful. Light, calm colors. I’ve always wanted a house with a large, covered front porch to sit outside and visit with the neighbors. This house not only has a large, covered front porch it also has a porch on the side with French doors that open to the family room. I imagine adding flowers or bushes in front of the side porch to provide a little privacy and placing a large umbrella for some shade. The house has a metal roof which I love and imagine enjoying listening to the rain. I’m drawn to this house.
When the For Sale sign was posted in the yard, I looked up the listing and the inside of the house surprised me. Two walls had large, multi-colored waves painted across them. Something red and loud caught my attention in another picture. I didn’t like the inside of the house. It didn’t match the calm, relaxed vibe I’d always felt as I looked at the exterior of the house.
When I ran by the house again, it crossed my mind that it was a metaphor for the exterior and interior of the people we meet.
I’ve been drawn to people because of their appearance and what I think it portrays about them or because I felt attracted to them. I’ve been drawn to others by something I notice in their personality.
But just like the house, outward appearances only tell us a portion of who the person is.
And unlike the house, we can’t just look at a few pictures and see the inside. Instead, it takes time to learn who someone is. To understand their character, values, and how they treat others. We may seem to hit it off in the beginning, but it takes time to determine if they’re someone we want to be in a long-term relationship with.
With a house, we can paint a wall or room a different color. We can make a change in hopes of liking it better. But even small changes take time, energy, and money. After investing all this, the house may come out as we planned or even better – or we may not like the outcome as much as we hoped.
With a person, if we like much of what we see – inside and outside – we may think we can help change a piece of them too. (I can think of many movies that have this theme). But will they change? And in the meantime, is it worth our time and energy?
With anyone we meet, developing a relationship while discerning their character can be the hard part.
The first step starts before we meet and date someone.
When we look for an apartment or home, we should have a list of things we’re looking for – closet space, layout, does it have the backyard or porch we’d like. Is the kitchen set up for our needs? What are our non-negotiables? And things we’d like to have?
Likewise, before we start to date, we should have an idea of what traits we’d like in a potential partner. I’d heard of making a list before, but I didn’t think it was necessary. I thought I would “know” when it was the right person.
When I was in high school, my friends and I talked about who was cute. If someone was a jerk, we commented on that. We noticed polar ends of the spectrum. But otherwise, I don’t remember talking about character traits.
As I started dating, I knew I wanted to be with someone “nice”. I’ve been drawn to dates that seem engaging. Looking back, I realize I let some of what I observed on TV or in movies influence what I thought was acceptable. Such as derogatory comments or sexual innuendos.
When I first started apartment and then house shopping, I looked for location and if the dwelling was “good” (it was clean and the paint and structure were in good shape). Over time, (and by not having enough) I learned closet and storage space was beneficial.
Our last home faced the sun in the second part of the day. In South Texas, even in the winter, the heat could be uncomfortable. So now I know to look at what part of the home gets the afternoon sun. Of course, for someone who lives in a colder climate, the afternoon sun and warmth might be a good thing.
Going with the house analogy, and after experiencing bumps in dating I see the benefits of thinking about my non-negotiables and what I’d like to find in a partner. Below is what I’ve decided are my non-negotiables:
Has similar Christian beliefs.
Appreciates communication.
Enjoys being together, but also understands time apart to be with friends or by ourselves is healthy too.
Takes care of himself.
Is honest, has integrity, is supportive, respectful, and dependable.
Is responsible with finances.
The above are my core values. Below are some traits I’d like to find in a potential partner:
Enjoys the outdoors
Likes to hike – This is an area I can compromise by hiking nearby with a friend or my family instead.
Next, if the person we start dating doesn’t meet one of our core areas or asks us to compromise one of our core beliefs or values, we need to decide how we will respond. What action will we take?
Even if they’re great in many ways, if they ask us to compromise or don’t respect any of our core beliefs and values it’s probably time to say good-bye. Just being aware of this option makes it easier. Knowing we have options, and determining when to use them is beneficial. (For more on this see the post on verbal abuse).
Just like after renting or owning different apartments and homes, I became wiser about dating relationships after experiencing the wrong ones. It’s better to prevent heartache and hardship. For teens, it’s important to help them think about their core values and non-negotiables in a relationship before they start to date. Here are some tips to help them:
Complete a list like this one that helps them learn things about themselves.
Encourage teens to think of the people in their lives, and then consider: ~ What do they appreciate? ~ Dislike? ~ How do they feel when they spend time with each person? ~ What character traits are important to them? What traits do they dislike?
Create your own list and talk with them about it.
As teens become older, grow, become acquainted, and interact with more people, and even new experiences what they’re looking for may change. It’s important to consider who they are, and what they like, and revisit their list occasionally to determine if it’s still accurate.
When I moved a few years ago, I remember thinking about the things I would have liked to change in our old house and what I’d like to find in a new house. Of course, nothing I looked at had exactly what I wanted. I heard God remind me that earth is temporary. Our true home is with Him in heaven and until that day everything will pale in comparison.
You believe in God[a]; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. John 14:1-3
Likewise, we’re not going to find a perfect love here. Only God and Jesus love unconditionally. Some people reflect that love and a person like that is who I’m praying your teen (or you if you’re single) finds.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church for we are members of his body. Ephesians 5:25-30
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